“Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it.” —Patrick McSherry Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for... My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests.
From clean hilarious jokes and dirty racist jokes to stupid clever riddles and funny one liners, we’ve got the perfect funniest jokes guaranteed to bring on some serious laughs. Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket.
“Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon.
Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. 53.
“Oh, relax.
Her face grew red, When the gentleman said ... “Look at the legs on that table!” —Clo Dodge My dad used to sing little ditties. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Funny jokes to tell a girl There is many ways to impress a girl, one thing that stands above all else is humor. I handed her the penny. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!California residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.Reporting on what you care about. Aye matey. —David Bez Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map.
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Then one day in a men’s room, a man walked out of a stall. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. Long story short: Jokes come in all shapes and sizes. “Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. By hitting the paws button! Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. Then came Dad’s ship’s turn. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. An email has been sent to you. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? —Heidi Berg My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box.
I scanned the ID, but it came back expired. They got six months each. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed.
“No, I... My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. That’s why many guys search for jokes that can man girls laugh. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts. A thesaurus.15. So what’s the Wi‑Fi... After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you,... Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. We've included clean and silly kids jokes with themes like birthday jokes, pirate jokes, and animal jokes. Great jokes that will have you in stitches. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” —James Nealis Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. “How do you know?” the first demands. How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf... One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. —Kenneth Gomez My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. What bow can't be tied? It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally. Luckily I … I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. Long story short: Jokes come in all shapes and sizes. We call him the Village Idiom. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?” —Comedian Rich Vos I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. —A.K. A carrot. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game... My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh.